Living with an invisible illness

I know this is a bit of a stray from my normal posts here. But, this subject is very personal for me and, I know, many others.

Many debilitating illnesses and diseases out there can be observed by others whether by symptoms, tools necessary to get by or, even sometimes just by name. People with an oxygen tank, a cast, a bald head and no eye brows all trigger a sympathy and understanding in people. These things legitimize an illness with something we can see. But, many of us are suffering in silence or disbelief on our own because what we battle within ourselves isn't seen by others with outward signs and clues. Whether it's a mental illness like depression, a disease like Lupus, a hormone imbalance like Cushing's Disease or something truly new and not understood yet by the medical community, so many of us a trying to deal with an interrupted life that outwardly no one else can validate. I'm one of those people.

I'd never been happier or more complete. I was finally happy with my physical self. I had my dream husband. We had bought a house, which was a lifelong dream of mine. It was a fixer up, but that was fine. I loved to fix things and this really meant we'd make it our own. About 6 months after we moved in, I got sick. It was bad, like really bad. I still remember the vivid fever dreams I had and the constant hot and cold my body was experiencing at the same time. After being out of work for a week with the bug, I went to the doctor to called it the flu. He gave me some antibiotics for the pneumonia that sounded like it could be developing in my chest and told me to rest.

2 weeks went by and I still felt totally drained. I felt the same mentally and physically weakness and exhaustion that most people experience when the flu just starts to turn around. I felt that groggy, disconnected feeling that you feel with the conflicting day time and night time flu medications. It was generally more like I was taking the night time version during the day.

I had no choice but to return to work. Sitting at my desk trying to focus was like trying to play chess with a hangover after a red eye flight and 3 hours of sleep. I'd find myself not really reading the words in front of me but just following lines of text left to right, losing track of the purpose. My eyes were so heavy I'd doze off. All of my breaks were spent napping. I'd get home and fall asleep almost immediately for a few hours. I'd get up, eat, shower and go to bed for the night. During the times that I was pushing myself to do physical things, my muscles would quickly give out, rendering themselves useless.  I likened it unto the old fashioned punishment were someone was forced to hold buckets of water out at arms lengths for long periods of time. When you put the buckets down, you muscles are just exhausted and unable to function properly. But, this was my whole body. My chest began to hurt. It felt like I had an elephant sitting on it most of the time. This made it feel like like the littlest most basic tasks were a rigorous workout, causing my heart and lungs to overwork themselves.

I spent over a year complaining about these ailments to my multiple doctors, who in the interim, prescribed me loads of antidepressants and anti anxiety pills and referred me to specialists that made zero sense to me. First, they put my a trial of every anti depressant in the book. Despite me telling them that I still wanted to to participate in the things I enjoyed and that I wasn't avoiding them. They were sure this was just a simple case of the blues. Next, I was put on ambien. My body didn't seem to know when it was time to sleep and when it was time to wake up. So, they figured I was getting proper sleep and proper times. The ambien should fix that. Then, they did a slew of EKGs and pulmonary tests because of the chest pain I was experiencing. My heart rate was really elevated, but everything read fine. They were convinced the chest pain and difficulty breathing was actually an anxiety disorder. So, they put me on depressants. They tried Clonopin and Valium. I hated those. They made me even more tired and did absolutely nothing for the pain and pressure in my chest. Sometimes they helped me not care about it, but there were still periods of hours, if not days, of the sensation that didn't cease.

Finally, they made a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. They really hesitated, but they put me on stimulants usually intended to treat ADHD and I began to feel like myself again. At least there was an improvement. After just over a year at the maximum legal dosage of Amphetamine, there was a drastic shortage for the drug on the market. Being without it was hell. I was unable to stay awake or do anything. I was sleeping about 18 hours a day in total if not more.

I was switched over to Vyvanse and again gained back a fair ability to live. This seemed like a miracle for a couple years. When I started growing a tolerance to this, my doctor went back to thinking this was a psychological issue. Despite their diagnosis, the doctor was questioning my symptoms, my experience at life. I felt ignored. I felt devalued. I felt crazy. I tried a couple other doctors, knowing my doctor should care not just for me but about it. They refused to prescribe the medications I HAD to have to just function at all.

Meanwhile, I'm losing the ability to care for myself. My health and even hygiene are suffering because of the physical limitation I'm now experiencing. I have to avoid driving because of my tendency to be so tired. I can't stand for any length of time, let alone walk or exert myself without feeling light headed, dizzy and like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. I'd even gone to the ER with severe chest pain.

The ER doctor legitimized my experience, stating that I seemed to have an auto immune disease, but nothing life threatening so she couldn't do anything further.  There was inexplicable swelling in my chest around my heart and lungs, but she didn't know why. When I went back to my GP as a follow up, he told me that figuring out what was going on with me was 'beyond his pay grade'.

Because no one can quantify or justify how I'm feeling, they won't help me address it. Because there are no tests, cure, medication or even treatment for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it's a truly invisible disease. Many doctors don't know about the disease or are misinformed about it. It wasn't even until very recently that the CDC has recognized the disease and in an attempt to have it taken more seriously renamed the disease as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Despite it becoming more recognized in the medical community, the general population still doesn't get it. They think it's a PC term for lazy or tired. I can't even count how many times I've tried to explain my disease to someone and they've said they think they might have it too or that they get that way sometimes. Generally, they think it's a bullshit excuse given by lazy, fat people.

My own family doesn't understand or believe my diagnosis. They believe it's laziness. They believe I'm being tested by God or am cursed or even possessed. They constantly remind me that if I were to refuse to be tired, prayed and read the Word, I'd be fine. They think I just need to push through and get off my ass. They tell me to go to bed earlier, quit relying on the poisons the doctors prescribe and get right with God. My own flesh and blood invalidate my experience and suffering because they can't see it. They can't quantify it was a positive test and a clean spirit.

I think a big part of the stigma and disregard for the disease is the original name. CFS is so much more than not having energy/ feeling fatigued. That's something every human being faces, especially with age. But, when it's mental and physical and nothing helps - no amount of sleep, naps, caffeine, vacations recharge your batteries, it's more. It's debilitating. No joke, no exaggeration, debilitating. There are now ALWAYS things I can't physically do without collapsing and the risk of cardiac event. I can't walk my dogs. I can't exercise. I can't clean. I can't do anything that elevates my heart rate. Not I don't want to or I don't like to. I can't, as in it's not an option. Often, I can't focus. I can't move much and sitting still makes me both stir crazy and sleepy. I have a very hard time staying awake or focusing on a movie or book.

Living with this disease is like being in solitary confinement, in prison inside yourself. I feel trapped inside myself all the time. Losing my ability to do so many things, I'm reliant on a small handful of people that love me and care. I can see their frustration, and sometimes even, disbelief in what I'm experiencing. I don't blame them. I've always been independent. I don't like people doing things for me. It makes me feel weak; like a failure. But, I am. I've become a burden to those that I love with little to nothing to offer in return.

Being unable to live your life, to be a burden and disappointment to others and all because of something invisible, something unquantifiable is hell. It's extremely excluding and lonely.

It's not just me and not just CFS/ME sufferers. So many people suffer in silence of diseases that you can't see or relate to. We don't question the existence or presence of other planets and galaxies or magnets or gravity. We can't see them. Most of us can't explain them in any real capacity, but we validate them. We don't question them.

Next time you meet someone, even talk to someone with an invisible illness, don't invalidate them. If you haven't been diagnosed with the same, don't try to relate your everyday life to their experience unless it's with pure sympathy and pity. Otherwise, it feels like your experience with an invisible disease is little, minor things. Please be a decent human being; ask if there's anything you can do to help. Ask them if they want to talk about it and just listen- without advice.Those with invisible illnesses are usually suffering alone. But, we are suffering, whether you see it or not.

A Different Hyaluronic Acid Option

I'm all about Hyaluronic Acid these days. (Seriously?! What took me so long to try this stuff?) But, one product doesn't work for everyone and everyone needs a little Hyaluronic Acid in their lives. In an effort to make this so, I give you another option for your beauty arsenal: 180 Cosmetics Pure Swiss Hyaluronic Acid Serum with Vitamin C.

180 Pure Swiss Hyaluronic Acid Serum with Vitamin C - $11.39

As always, here's what the manufacturer says about the product:

• CONTAINS THE HIGHEST CONCENTRATION OF THE ABSOLUTE BEST QUALITY SWISS HYALURONIC ACID AVAILABLE ON THE MARKET- enriched with natural ingredients and vitamin C for maximum results. Also contains powerful antioxidants that protect skin from free radicals

• REVERSE THE SIGNS OF AGING WITH THE NEWEST 180 COSMETICS PURE SWISS HYALURONIC SERUM + VITAMIN C THAT HAS TAKEN THE WORLD BY STORM! Watch this truly revolutionary serum reverse the signs of aging right before your eyes, as it restores skin's elasticity and leaves it looking and feeling smooth, supple, and rejuvenated.

• FOR AGES 40 AND ABOVE - we also recommend using the 180 Cosmetics Pure Swiss Hyaluronic Serum or cream + Peptides, for maximum results.

• CHECK OUT OUR NEW PRODUCTS: Hyaluronic Serum + Oxygen, Hyaluronic Serum + Peptides, and Hyaluronic Cream + Peptides for a Smoother, Younger Looking Neckline and Decolletage.

• WHY YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 180 COSMETICS? Because you deserve to get the best possible results!!

I love this ingredient because it works. How it's delivered and what it's combined with can be tailored to meet anyone's needs. The fact that this is a serum means that you need very little of it to be effective and it's going to moisturize deep down. Others offer it a variety of forms from a gel to thick cream. But, the serum is the best bet for most. I'd say the gel or lotion forms are best for women under 40 and the serum is best for anyone over 40 or with really dry skin.

The 180 version came in a pretty small bottle. I'd say a little bigger than my thumb. But, a little goes a long way with serum, so don't let size fool you. You use a dropper to dispense the serum. Personally, I'm not a fan of droppers for anything. My hands are shaky and I'm clumsy. I'm worried I'll knock the little bottle over and lose all preciousness inside. I think a pump option would be best.This is just me though. 

The serum is light, smooth and absorbs quickly into the skin, making it ideal for bed or under makeup. 

The Vitamin C added to this really makes the skin glow and look radiant. They're an amazing compliment to each other for really youthful, energized skin. And, it's not just while it's applied. It's improving skin overall, from within. It's not some false advertising stuff that just temporarily tightens your skin. 

I liked this stuff so much that I had to share it with someone. Who better than my beautiful mother? She was really impressed with it as well. She really liked using it as a light primer under her mineral foundation. She said her skin felt firmer after just one use. She's already planning on buying more.

So, if you want to try Hyaluronic Acid without spending a small fortune and have over 40 or dry skin, this is definitely the way to go.  

**I was given this product free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion and review**

Anaiti Eye Gel

I have my dad to thank for the ever present dark circles under my eyes, Since my mid 20s, I've been constantly asked if I'm 'tired' or 'feeling well' or accused of partying a bit too much. Nope, just genes. 

I hate the circles. They do nothing but age me and make me look run down. I've tried a bin full of products to try and combat this issue. Some of them you've seen reviews about right here. 

I was asked to try Anaiti Eye Gel and give my honest opinion after using it. I'd used their Luminous Serum and it was like a miracle. Needless to say, I had high expectation for this stuff. Here's the run down.

Anaiti Eye Gel - $39.99

Here's what the manufacturer says about the product:

AN ADVANCED EYE GEL NOT JUST FOR CELEBRITIES!- Is the area around your eyes losing its firmness?
- Dark circles, puffiness, bags under your eyes?
- Crow's feet?
ANAITI'S EYE GEL CAN HELPThe area around the eyes needs a special kind of facial care because the skin is thinner and more delicate. It's also where most people look when they meet others.
A unique formula of cutting edge ingredients:
* MATRIXYL - stimulates collagen-producing fibroblasts to keep your skin smooth and reduces wrinkle depth by 68%.
* HALOXYL - helps thicken the skin and found to reduce dark circles/puffiness by over 60% in just over a month.
* EYELISS - a mix of three active peptides reduces swelling and boosts firmness/elasticity.
HAILED AS AN ANTI-AGING POWERHOUSE!Research shows our blend of patented skinceutical ingredients can improve the look of skin surrounding the eyes. Our customers love Anaiti!
** Imagine a younger looking YOU **
RESPECTED RESULTS - OUR PRODUCT RIVALS SIMILAR ALTERNATIVES - IT IS SIMPLY SUPERIOR!TRY OUR REVOLUTIONARY ADVANCED EYE GEL TODAYIn a clinical study of 20 volunteers with chronic bags under their eyes, 65% showed a visible reduction after 28 days, and 70% showed measurable improvement after 56 days.
In an ERSP post-clinical trial survey of Eyeliss, 62% of volunteers believed their eye contours were smoothed and 52% felt reductions in the bags under their eyes.
OUR GUARANTEEWe stand by our Advanced Eye Gel's quality, we offer a 100% Money-Back Guarantee!
YOU'VE NOTHING TO LOSE - JUST THE YEARS FROM YOUR FACE.

So, it's supposed to address all the major cosmetic eye concerns we have with aging. Sounds great!

First, I was bit surprised that this product arrived in a pump instead of the tub as pictured. I had to do a bit of a double take to make sure I had received the right item. The pump dispensed out more than I expected or needed. Personally, with an eye product, I'd prefer the tub so that I have more control over the amount I use. A pump has the benefit of not actually touching the product, keeping it more sanitary for eye use. But, the tub is my personal preference. 

The gel was slightly opaque, odorless and very smooth. I applied it with my ring finger as  I do all products around my eye. It didn't cause any irritation or tenderness to my uber sensitive orbitals, which is a perk. But, it felt sticky. I tried applying less and less, but the sticky wouldn't go away. I suppose that doesn't matter during the night, but it wasn't possible to allow it to absorb and apply makeup over it during the day. 

It did seem to moisturize fairly well and was easy to use. But, I can't say I noticed a difference in either the circles or the fine lines I'm now getting in my 30s. 

Given the price point and the success I've had with other Anaiti products, I had high hopes and expectations. This one missed the mark for me. 

• #EyeCream

**I received this product free of charge in exchange for my experience and honest review**

Rose Hips Don't Lie

Beauty oil is everywhere lately and there's so many different kinds it's hard to know which is good for what and how much they're worth. 
The go to tends to be good 'ole Argan Oil. But, my success with the stuff has been minor at best. I know a  lot of people swear by it, but it walked a fine line with me on how much to use where. I was always applying too much or too little. 
I recently heard about rose hip oil. Rose hip oil is 'full of vitamins, antioxidants and essential fatty acids that are known to correct dark spots and hydrate dry, itchy skin, all while reducing scars and fine lines.' It can also be used in hair. 
I tried GoPure Naturals Rosehip Oil.

GoPure Rosehip Oil - $13.91

I was really surprised at how large the bottle was. That and given the price it was a great value. For some reason, I expected it to smell like roses or at least be sweet smelling. It smelled a bit nutty and mostly green. The scent was very light and didn't last though. There wasn't much with regards to usage directions on the bottle, but that seems to be the case in most beauty oils these days. 

I tried this product on skin, scars and hair. I have extremely sensitive skin that's very dry. I was really impressed with how quickly this absorbed into my skin and it actually didn't leave the greasy, slick feeling other oils have. It moisturized and did it's job quickly. I wasn't able to see any improvement in discoloration or scar appearance, but I didn't expect to in such a short time. 

I had some correspondence with the manufacturer and they really believed in and had pride in their product, which says a lot to me. It's made with love and excitement.

I definitely now much prefer this rosehip oil to any of the Argan Oils I've tried in the past. It's much more forgiving in it's usage, it's more affordable and it absorbs quickly. If you'd had poor experiences with other beauty oils or you're wanting to try them, this is definitely the way to go. 

For more info on GoPure Rosehip Oil:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gopure-Naturals/1532309590375841
http://www.gopurenaturals.com

*I received this product free of charge in return for my honest opinion and review.*

3D Fiber Mascara. Fab or Flop?

Like many of you ladies, I've seen the before and after pictures on our friends pages showing every day 'before lashes' and super plump, full 'after lashes' and been instantly jealous. Then, I click the link and see the price tag and quickly close the window. The whole trend started with the Younique and boasted a $29 price tag. Quickly, knockoffs showed up from over seas at much lower rates. I picked up one of those and I saw decent results, but the flaking made it impossible to actually wear. I thought I needed practice and tried it about 10 times, with no improvement.

I was given Mia Adora 3D Fiber Lash Mascara to try in return for my honest review.

Mia Adora 3D Fiber Lash Mascara - $22.95

Running about $7 less than the original, I'll take any savings I can get, but the price is still a bit steep in my mind. I really likes the lovely packaging. It also smelled better than the other brand I had tried. I followed the directions to a T. Although my lashes weren't quite as full as they were with the other brand, they didn't flake nearly as much. The only benefit I saw from the knock off that would have benefited here was a deeper, darker black in the Step 1 & 3 tube. Some may really like that the results are slightly more subtle, but more believable with this brand. 

Overall, I think it's a great entry fiber lash mascara to try when you're look isn't quite kardashianesque. Perhaps it's just me, but with all fiber lash mascaras I have an issue with flaking and absolutely can't use it while wearing contacts. This mascara does make a pretty dramatic and lovely difference in your lashes without going over the top. It's a look that could be worn to work or to dinner with your S.O.

*I was given this product free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion and review*

Forlan Skincare Hyaluronic Acid Serum Review

I have super sensitive, problem skin. I'm at that fun age where I have pimples and I'm wrinkles. I've tried everything short of Accutane and my doctor recommended I try Hyaluronic Acid years ago. But, everything else that had the word 'acid' in it resulted in irritation and burning. So, I blew it off.
Forlan and Tomoson requested I try and review their Hyaluronic Acid and I was surprised by the results.

Forlan Skincare Hyaluronic Acid Serum - $24.95

According to the manufacturer, here's what makes it up:

Deionized Water, Sodium Hyaluronate, Aloe Barbadensis Juice, Phenoxyethanol, Witch Hazel Extract, Acrylates/C 10-30 Alkyl Acrylate Crosspolymer, MSM, Potassium Sorbate, Tocopheryl Acetate (vitamin E), Sodium Hydroxide,Tetrahexyldecyl Ascorbate (vitamin C), Lavender Oil, L-Arginine, Retinyl Palmitate (vitamin A), Cholecalciferol (vitamin D).

The bottle is actually much larger than it looks. I really appreciated that it was a pump and not a dropper. It made it a lot easier to use. The serum itself was a bit thin and smelled a bit like alcohol. The consistency was more like a gel than a serum. But, I think this was actually better for people in my age group. It allowed it to absorb more quickly and it's overly rich for my pimples with wrinkles skin. I also have extremely sensitive skin and there was absolutely no adverse affect from using the Forlan Hyaluronic Acid.

After just a few days, I really did see a marked improvement in my skin. Particularly my neck. The early 'chicken skin' that begins to take over around 30 was much smoother. The fine lines and darkness around my eyes was diminished. The consistency also for it to be beneficial under makeup. It wasn't oily at all and didn't interfere with foundation.

Overall, I think this a great, valuable product for people about 26-40. It's not overly powerful or oily, which those over 40 may need. It's an incredible first step to an anti aging regimen.

*I was given this product free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion and review.*

Review: Nutriscal Hair Growth Vitamins

Beauty comes from within....

We've all heard this or something like this at some point. And, it makes sense. Health is something more than how we feel, it's how we look. I recently removed the black from my hair and with it, a lot of the 'health' that my hair had. When Tomoson and Nutriscal asked me to try and review their vitamins for hair health I was thrilled! Here's what I learned:

                                                Nutriscal Hair Growth Vitamins $39.95

The claim:

Nutriscal is a professionally formulated hair growth product for women and men of all ages that is designed to promote existing hair growth and support healthy, vibrant hair. Our lab team combined 24 of the most powerful hair growth vitamins available to create a hair growth pill unlike any other.

The ingredients:

Vitamin A (10,000 IU), Vitamin C (250mg), Vitamin E (12 IU), Vitamin B-1 (30mg), Vitamin B-2 (100mg), Niacinamide (30mg), Vitamin B-6 (100mg), Folic Acid (400mcg), Biotin (2000mcg), Pantothenic Acid (250mg), Calcium (200mg), Zinc (5mg), Copper (1mg), Choline Bitartrate (250mg), Silica (bamboo 70% extract : 40mg), Inositol (250mg), Para-aminobenzoic acid (100mcg), L-Cysteine (100mcg), MSM (50mg), Ginkgo Biloba (30mg), Saw Palmetto (250mg), Pygeum Africanum (100mg), Green Tea Extract (50mg), Grape Seed Extract (50mg). 

I was a bit confused reading the ingredients. Some of the ingredients seem a bit like filler there since you'd find them in a regular multi vitamin or there's not much to support it's efficiency in hair and scalp health or hair growth. I was also really surprised not to see any fatty acids there. These are crucial in hair and skin health, yet they're omitted from the ingredients here. You also need to be really careful taking these along with other supplements and vitamins because there's a risk of taking too much, which can have some negative health effects.

The pills are also very large. I don't have a problem with pills. But, these are really big and, being solid, a bit hard to swallow. 

Still, I diligently tried the supplement for 2 weeks hoping to restore my hair to it's shiny luxurious former self. 

I had weird burps for a few hours after taking these. I would definitely recommend taking them with food. I suspect that perhaps the zinc is the cause of this. I also can't say that I noticed any improvement in the health of my hair or scalp, nor any increase in growth after the 2 weeks. Perhaps, 2 weeks just isn't enough. I took it another week, though not quite as adamantly, but still noticed nothing.

For nearly $40, I expected more from a supplement. Overall, I sadly found the supplement large, lacking and ineffective. I would stick to a good multi vitamin and fatty acids in the future. 

***I was given this product free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion and review***